All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
