In America we eat man semen.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
