the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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