oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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