theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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