and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
