the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I lost the right to judge tonight
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
