i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
