Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
