I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
