I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
