Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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