I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
