Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
