Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
