I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
