dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
