I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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