Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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