It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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