my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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