im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
