I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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