Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
