the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
