We're like a lot better than the average bears
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
