She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
did you just send me my own nude
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
