life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
