enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Vodka?
Forever.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
