Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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