I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
