I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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