got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i just sent this text using only my big toe
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
