my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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