I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
