my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
