I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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