I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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