Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
