dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
