you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
