there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
