watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Randomize
