Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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