Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
she told me i tasted like america
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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