Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
