My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
