I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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