You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
