you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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