Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
