last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
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