In the future we'll all be gay
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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